Hanamaru Discovers the Internet
by ShinAyasaki
Summary: Hanamaru discovers the internet. Yoshiko and Ruby deal with the fallout.


Of all the days Yoshiko was unprepared to wake up early for, Saturday was the worst. Especially this Saturday in particular, for last night, the fallen angel had hosted a powerful demonic ritual, one fueled by the beliefs and souls of the masses with the intent of converting even more of the world's populace into her little demons.

(Translation: Yoshiko did a late night stream for her Neko Neko Douga channel, doing a lot of cool stuff in the most recent battle royale game to get more subscribers. They totally smashed that 'Like' button.)

Such a ritual had used up a vast portion of her demonic energies, and might have overwhelmed even the great Yohane's reserves had it not been for the multitude of blood vials the fallen angel just so happened to have on hand for the occasion.

(Translation: Yoshiko drank a lot of Mountain Dew Code Red.)

Many had been sacrificed in the satanic ritual, the reaper's toll having reached a new high.

(Translation: Yoshiko's K/D ratio had never been better!)

So you can see how she would be exhausted.

But alas, for on this Saturday morning, Yoshiko's slumber was broken with the devilish wailing of her cell phone. As she was dragged from the depths of unconsciousness, the blunette groaned loudly as her hand reluctantly reached out from under the blanket and collapsed over her phone. Grasping it tightly, she quickly drew it beneath the covers, deftly retreating from the bane of sunlight. Her bleary eyes managed to recognize the image of Ruby's bright red hair below the large white numbers proclaiming the time.

Moaning in reluctance, she answered the call.

"What?" she deadpanned.

"Yoshiko-chan! Yoshiko-chan!" cried Ruby. "We have a problem!"

Yoshiko attempted to say something along the lines of, 'It's Yohane!', but all that came out was an unintelligible slur. Ruby merely took that as her cue to continue.

"It's Hanamaru-chan!"

And just like, the fog lifted. Yoshiko shot up in bed, ignoring the coldness of the air as her mind snapped to attention. "What is it? What's wrong with Zuramaru?"

"Hanamaru-chan... Hanamaru-chan...!"

"Yes?!"

"Hanamaru-chan discovered the Internet!"

* * *

Ruby jumped as the temple door slid open, an exhausted blunette standing just at the threshold to the Kunikida temple.

"Yoshiko-chan!" exclaimed Ruby, getting up to greet her.

"I came..." huffed Yoshiko, "As quickly as I could..." She paused to take a few deep breaths while Ruby took her jacket. The redhead noticed the bike collapsed on the ground just outside, estimating it likely too small for Yoshiko's current height. "What happened?"

Ruby closed the door behind Yoshiko and gestured for her to follow. "Hanamaru-chan's grandfather went into Akihabara yesterday to do some shopping. Apparently while he was there he was overwhelmed with salesmen, who used all sorts of underhanded marketing tricks to influence the buying patterns of an elderly man. Now Hanamaru-chan has a smartphone and unlimited data."

Ruby got a faraway look in her eye as she led Yoshiko through the temple. "It started out innocently enough. For the first hour, Hanamaru-chan just kept turning the screen on and off while shouting about it being the future. It was fine when she found the word processing apps. It was fine when she started messing with her list of contacts and listening to the radio. I thought it was even fine that she triggered the factory-reset six times in ten minutes..." Ruby gulped. "Then, right before I called you, she discovered Google Chrome... I just didn't know what to do!" Ruby frowned in worry as she sent Yoshiko a troubled look. "_And she's learning!"_

Yoshiko put a comforting hand on Ruby's shoulder. "It's all right Ruby. You did the right thing, calling me when you did."

Ruby calmed, ever so slightly. "I just hope it's not too late."

When they arrived outside Hanamaru's room, the two first years exchanged a determined nod, then Ruby pulled back the door. There, sitting on the tatami mats on the far side of the room and facing away from the door, was Hanamaru.

Yoshiko entered first. "...Zuramaru?"

She received no response.

Yoshiko crept closer to her friend, noting with growing discomfort that for all the time she was looking, Hanamaru had not blinked once. "Zuramaru?" she tried again.

Still nothing.

Yoshiko turned to glance at Ruby, the redhead holding her fists over her mouth in worry, her deep green eyes reflecting a growing dread. The self-proclaimed fallen angel swallowed heavily, then crept even closer. When her continued approach garnered still no reaction, she decided to wave a hand in between the phone screen and Hanamaru's eyes.

"Good afternoon, Yoshiko-chan," acknowledged the brunette without looking up.

"Hey there, Zuramaru," replied Yoshiko nervously. The blunette snuck a glance at the screen, her eyes widening as she beheld massive amounts of text and pictures passing by in rapid succession. Though it was next to impossible, she knew her childhood friend was absorbing it all. She gulped quite audibly. "So... how's the new phone?"

"Good. Amazing. I'm learning so many things..."

Two lines of dialogue without a single zura?! This was bad. "Good... that's good..." said Yoshiko without really meaning it. "Say, do you think you could, I don't know, maybe put the phone down?"

Hanamaru turned her head so suddenly that Yoshiko actually fell back onto the tatami mats with a yelp. She stared deep into the depths of Yoshiko's very soul, her usually warm chocolate-honey eyes replaced by dull orbs reflecting a gaping and eternal hunger for information. She tilted her head slowly, very slowly, to an unnerving angle. "I'm sorry, Yoshiko. I'm afraid I can't do that," she misquoted in english.

Ruby gasped in fear while a chill ran down Yoshiko's spine. Hanamaru had absorbed far too much, far too quickly. Already the Internet had corrupted her!

Yoshiko swallowed her terror as best she could as Hanamaru's attention turned back to the phone. Slowly, Yoshiko turned to lock eyes with Ruby, communicating an emergency intervention in silence. The redhead trembled but nodded in unspoken agreement. Yoshiko returned the gesture before returning her attention to Hanamaru.

The blunette got back to her feet, then began to creep closer and closer to the afflicted girl. She licked her lips, nervously shaking ever so slightly as she slowly reached an arm forward. When the time was right, she harnessed the full power of her demonic abilities, swooping towards the brunette with seemingly impossible speed! Her outstretched hand closed around the digital device, the technological terror, and snatched it away, Yoshiko leaping back as Hanamaru whirled on her with a snarl.

"Ne, Yoshiko-chan..." intoned Hanamaru threateningly. "That's very rude of you..."

"This is for your own good, Zuramaru," said Yoshiko with a shiver.

"You can't do this to me Yoshiko-chan. I want it. I need it!"

"It's just a phone, Zuramaru. You've seen these before, there's nothing special about them."

"It's more than just a phone. It's... It's...!" Hanamaru's eyes suddenly narrowed, and the shortest girl shrunk even further, curling her fingers into pseudo-claws. "It's _MY PRECIOUS_!" she suddenly shouted, hurling herself at the blunette.

Her eyes widened at the sudden act of violence and Yoshiko fell with a cry, a raging Hanamaru atop her. The brunette was relentless, clawing at Yoshiko like she was a scratching post. One of Yoshiko's hands grabbed onto a wrist, the other holding the phone just out of reach as she shoved the rest of her body upwards into her childhood friend to dislodge her from her position of dominance. It was rather ironic that, on any other day, Yoshiko would have very much enjoyed having Hanamaru topping her.

Though her resistance was resolute, the sheer fury of Hanamaru's assault quickly wore her down, and with the last of her strength, Yoshiko pitched the phone high into the air. "Catch!" she called.

With a small cry of alarm, Ruby all but dove for it, the phone landing neatly in her hands.

Hanamaru whirled to face Ruby, who became petrified at her friend's soulless glare. She became a blur as she launched herself at Ruby, knocking her to the floor as she reclaimed her dreaded phone, before running out the door to disappear into the labyrinthine layout of her home. A shout of "_Swiper, ALL the swiping_!" echoed in her wake.

"Eh?!" cried Ruby, "But that's not how the line goes!"

"Forget the line, we have to stop her!" said Yoshiko, scrambling to her feet. She pulled Ruby up with a hand and then they were off, feet pounding the corridors of Hanamaru's temple as they gave chase.

Unfortunately for the pair, no one knew Hanamaru's home better than Hanamaru, and it was with heavy hearts that the pair emerged into the daylight to see Hanamaru already halfway down the steps of the temple, waving her phone in the air like a glowstick at a rave.

"We need to catch her!" declared Yoshiko. She took one look at her fallen bike and sneered in distaste, but grabbed the battered bicycle and got on. She turned to Ruby. "Get on the back, you can ride the pegs."

"Is that safe?" yelped Ruby.

"Is _THAT_?!" retorted Yoshiko, pointing at the maniacal Maru.

To her credit, Ruby nodded her assent and did as she was told without further questioning.

"Alright, grab on to me and hold on tight!" ordered the blunette. Then without further pause, Yoshiko pounded the pedals and the pair shot off after Hanamaru.

* * *

"You know, when I said to grab on to me, I meant for you to grab my shoulders, not my chest."

"Oh. Would you like me to move my hands then?"

"That won't be necessary. Just... something to keep in mind for next time."

* * *

**AN: Is Ruby an accidental pervert? Or does she very much know what she's doing? Who knows? :P**

**Hanamaru's Internet References (In Order) - 2001: A Space Odyssey, Lord of the Rings, Dora the Explorer.**


End file.
